wow somehow both sides, wow rel8ble
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it