WOW! Such a burn
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEYYY
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff