Wow thank you harry potter fans!
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
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What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because it’s the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if we’re gonna be living in the future might as well look it
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them.
To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No…But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
What do you call an egg on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.