Wow this dog is so funny!!

What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
Dust
[Removed]
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."

The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny. But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too." It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it. You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me. In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter. This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends united and bonded over how corny your dad was. Your friends stopped caring about trying to impress your dad and each other the second he ordered boneless cheese sticks with a big stupid grin. Corny dads make themselves lightning rods for cringiness so the lightning doesn't strike someone else. Source