Wow this is such a fucked up joke only the darkest, most twisted minds laugh at it

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

I was in the ladies bathroom.

Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.

Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent

Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.

He was a little chili.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!" "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says. "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer!" The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman" "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?" "Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time… "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "Damned if I know" says the Parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

they are a non-prophet organization

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. “Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..” My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?” My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?” My journey to the dark side has been complete.

… Make me one with everything.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind…..but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”

Because they have little anty bodies

Then I could sleep longer.

Wonton.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078

That's not funny.

:Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!

3Musketeers

A pizza can feed a family of four.

A broken drum… you can’t beat it

No pun in ten did.

He was disqualified

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up