Wow very destructor
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Someone looked at me at the store today and yelled “SIX FEET!”
I said "6' 2", but good guess."
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
