You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
Because she's an on-call-ogist
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
You can't hear an enzyme.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Because he was in the living room.
To see a chicken strip.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
But now I can look back and laugh.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
It's big red flag
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
It'll come back to bite you.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
He nuts and bolts!
"You owe me one cannoli."
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
You don't want to press your luck…
The cold shoulder
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Gravity: notices your buldge Proto star: Blushes
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.