Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
![[interesting and funny title]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/t7xbgavkffp41-400x515.jpg)
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.