Wrong on so many levels
Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My prepositions teacher died.
Rest on peace.
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
There is a law in my city that people who live somewhere else can’t be buried in any of it’s cemeteries.
It's because they are still alive.
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
It was Mike the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then added, "The breakfast was my idea."
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
