Wtf even is this comic lmfao
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
The farmer and his wife needed a new bull…
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on?
Zapatosaurus
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
You can hide, but you can't run.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus: I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank. Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank. Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass. After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle. When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely. To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again. When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank…
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.