Wtf even is this comic lmfao

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis…

Friend: How are you able to bombard me with memes all day and still make a living? Me:

This one’s definitely one of the better comics.

https://ift.tt/2rYePeJ

I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.

Then he fired me.

Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.

I said “Is that a fret”

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I broke my finger at work today…

On the other hand, everything is OK

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"

What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook

He got it from a second-hand store

My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means

Nobody gave me a straight answer

It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.

It’s amazing two me.

My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him “You know what my name is.”

He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.

A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.

Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

Today we are learning about mitosis!

Now, I’m gonna need your undivided attention.

HOLD UP 🤔🤣

Not really a fan of cheetah print but it grew on me

Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."

Obama Conspiracy on the first day

https://ift.tt/350UenC

True AF

https://ift.tt/3hq20hX

Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owners react to RTX 3070 beating the RTX 2080 Ti.

https://youtu.be/-AJuOg8qK3o

Saw this and immediately thought of this sub.

https://ift.tt/39hJ3Kc

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

Vote for Axe in 2020!

https://ift.tt/2oB5aZH

This is only 101% true…

https://ift.tt/32mfvXj

Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

Delivered

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.

But it’s definitely up there.

Can it be more ridiculous?

https://ift.tt/37Rhc2c

Internet bad

https://ift.tt/2ukvzOj

Will Will Smith Smith Will Smith?

When apples won’t get you the grades you need.

https://ift.tt/2zH2vmN

Please stop the hate on the lazy people

They didn’t do anything at all

What had two butts and kills people?

A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier

They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says, "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return". The PO salutes jumps off the bow, swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here!". The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off". The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that gentlemen, is courage"

Oh Donald!

https://ift.tt/335lL72

What’s a quirky person’s favorite breakfast cereal?

Wierd-O's!

Original or Extra Crispy?

https://ift.tt/32RPH6u

Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?

Now he's a branch manager.

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."