wtf is this
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
![A [wholesome] boomer xmas comic](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/4dn9yfcdau341-400x548.jpg)
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
I am ok with alcohol, cigarettes, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.
He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No…" "Well, you can't have any." The goes into the kitchen and is eating cookies when his Grandpa walks in. "Can I have a cookie?", asks Grandpa. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa says, "As a matter of fact, it can!" The little boy replies, "Well then you can go fuck yourself. These are MY cookies."
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
I wanted someone to buy me Nike’s for Christmas
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
Why are the women and children evacuated first?
So we can die in peace.
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”
So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “ After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.