Wtf is this
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
A stutterer’s wife was getting annoyed of his stutter…
So she asks him to go see a doctor. When the men got to the hospital and explained everything the doctor said: "Pull down your pants." "W-why?" "Just do it." "O-ok." "There's the problem. You have a big penis that is pulling down your diaphragm. You will have to do a surgery to take a bit of your penis of if you want to talk normaly." "O-ok t-then." After the surgery he gets home and says: "Hello honey, what is the dinner?" "Wow you can speak normally!" "Yes just had to take of a bit of my penis." "WHAT? GO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL AND TELL THEM TO REVERT YHE SURGERY!" At the hospital the man speaks to the doctor: "My wife wants you to revert the surgery." "T-that w-will n-not b-be p-possible."
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
As a doctor, I am addicted to hitting my patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
I really get a kick out of it.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
We don’t sell to blondes
A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation. To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Shocked the woman leaves and returns later in the day now having changed her hair colour to brunette. Once again she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which she is met with the same response “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She begins to get irritated and heads out to get a new outfit- returning the next day in different clothes, with ginger hair, and a new haircut. She then proceeds to ask the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” Now she is FURIOUS and heads out to plan the perfect deception. She once again changes her hair colour to black, gets a new haircut, changes her outfit, and even gets plastic surgery to look completely different in an attempt to buy from this shop. She returns having looked nothing like she did the previous days and once again asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV” To which he once again responds “sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes” She lashes out screaming at the man “HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW I’M A BLONDE I LOOK NOTHING LIKE I DID WHEN I FIRST CAME IN HERE” “Because that’s a microwave” he says.
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a Type-O"
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.