A woman is giving birth to twins.
Due to the massive blood loss during the delivery, she had gone unconscious shortly after they were delivered. She awakens to a nurse who congratulated her on having the kids and told her that her brother had come in and named the children for her. "Oh no" the woman said, "My brother is a little slow…he's not entirely all there" "Don't worry" says the nurse, "He actually picked good names, the girls name is Denise" "That's not that bad" says the woman. "What's my boys name?" The nurse replies "Denephew"
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm…
I’m the CIEIO!!!!
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
Sting in bed the other night, I asked my wife, “Honey, if I died, would you let your next husband have my recliner”?
She replies, “Well it would be a waste not to, he may find it comfortable”. Then I ask, “What about my boat”? And she says, “I just don’t think you will be needing your boat after your gone. We may retire and do a lot of fishing”. So I did some thinking and asked, “How about my truck, surely you’ll sell it because all of the memories of us riding in it together will be too much for you to bear and too awkward with your next husband”. She replies, “You know, it is paid for with low miles, I’ll probably hang on to it”. Then, getting kinda nervous, I said, “Well SURELY you wont let him have my golf clubs”? To which my wife responds, “Oh no honey, don’t worry about that, he’s left handed”.
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
That didn’t end well
That didn’t end well
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
https://ift.tt/2tSJaME
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Power outages delight me.
No text found
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.
A man asked me why my clothes were gay
I said “Cause, they came out the closet”
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"