[OC] That sinking feeling
There is better way for web animations… where I was last 5 years?!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Appropriate for the super bowl, impeachment, and black history month
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
The same woman
should’ve been vaccinated
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
why is there so much detail on her ass tho
He Hate Elevator Boomers
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear…this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants…." "Oh, Sister…!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!" One of my favorite jokes
They can’t charge me for breaking lab equipment now.
Why don’t you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
The reason why world never says hello back!!
Where does it hurt
Haha they made dark mode a real thing
What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Compiling it a second time seems to be successful
So I just got my wife with this one… She asked to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy some new underwear… She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them…
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?" I could feel the eye roll from across the room
A man tried to sell me a coffin today
I told him that was the last thing I needed.
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
I miss them so much.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
Just keep adding conditionals
“Must Rescue The President” movies… changed for me.
i swear to god-
There he is!
My AI is aware
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’
StackOverflow in a nutshell
“Losers don’t get stuff named after them”
Incorrect code review
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
The American Healthcare System from the Eyes of a Brit
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts cost 2.50 deer nuts are just under a buck.
Story of my life…
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
Jetbrains makes us to go to the university, GM…
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Where would i be without stack overflow
Its his penis lol get it 😂😂
Have you tried increasing the scope?
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
How dare you?
Wouldn’t be surprised
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands