Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I’m voting for an old, senile, racist, sexist, white man with rape allegations this year for president.
But I’m still not sure which one to pick.
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
I’m selling my dead batteries.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Why fight over subsbtance when you can instead weaponize symbolic cultural grievances?
https://ift.tt/33wJVXH
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
When I buy my wife something made of gold,
she always gazes at me in Au.
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
