xD look he cant spell I have contributed to the joke
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
My penis was recently in the Guinness Book of World records
At least until the Librarian caught me.
Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?
Because he was very good at orienting objects. (Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
you don’t grate cheese here… you shReddit
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Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.