xdddddd she replied to the tweet guys 😂👌
Don’t miss the on the foot
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
After work, I volunteer to help blind children.
Btw – Verb, not Adjective
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.
You’d think we’d have sensed the pattern by now.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
It really hurts!!
The joker was better in metric
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Thor doesn’t get drunk…
He gets hammered.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.
Describe the code you wrote this week with a GIF
Why do riot police like to go to work early?
To beat the crowd
I could watch this all day.
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
When Trump says he does not know who Lev Parnas is
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
What a feeling
Nice try Ivanka
that just a trashcan
Go to college
Telescope > Microscope
Go Team Telescope!
bonus panic if it is a critical bug
Bernie wants to abolish an 18th century abomination
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
My new car supports the one true date format
There is no constant in differentiation
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Friend’s much-older husband seems to have a never-ending supply of these.
Tell me one way that capitalism has helped you?
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
Too much will make hair grow on your palms
“Pandemic Response Team” sounds like some librul bs
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?