Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income