What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together…
One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge, Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night. Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast! Rob: you know how the ladies get talking about this sorta stuff… Dan: I’ll tell you what, mark the count on the outside of your door and I’ll do the same, no one else has to know… They go back up. Rob has sex 3 times, marks his door with lll and goes to bed. Dan comes around at 4 in the morning, barely able to walk, and looks at Rob’s door, and swears “Rob you son of a bitch! I wish my wife didn’t pass out, I was 6 away from your 111 !!”
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
“Dad, the manual says it’s not a good idea to turn the stereo volume to full.”
Dad: That’s sound advice.
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
I didn’t think my dad would steal from his job as a road worker.
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
Too real
Too real
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"