Yankee wit no brim crushed by a 100 meme
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together…
One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge, Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night. Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast! Rob: you know how the ladies get talking about this sorta stuff… Dan: I’ll tell you what, mark the count on the outside of your door and I’ll do the same, no one else has to know… They go back up. Rob has sex 3 times, marks his door with lll and goes to bed. Dan comes around at 4 in the morning, barely able to walk, and looks at Rob’s door, and swears “Rob you son of a bitch! I wish my wife didn’t pass out, I was 6 away from your 111 !!”
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
Having gay parents must be really difficult.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
My friend told me I have no idea what irony is
Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
No text found
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.
Then he fired me.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend. The girl, startled, says, “I’m sorry, Dad.”
Dad, to her: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad. Then he turns to the boyfriend and says, “Are you fucking sorry?”
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".