Yeah
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Did you know that Iron Man is really just Fe male?
No text found
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
I am your motherfu*ker.
I am your motherfu*ker.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
A Chinese Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock… Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep. I warned you.
My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables… NSFW
No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to. I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says "Take it with me." I say "fuck it. I need a shower too". We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my dick. "Daddy, why is your pee pee so big?" And it hits me "Because I eat my vegetables." He's full on vegan now.
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
classic
classic
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He PASTAway