Yeah bro, if we already didn’t get the joke
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
Because it's noice.
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
Ernie: Sure Bert!
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
Should I let her know?
It's my signature move.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
I learned next to nothing.
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
It's a piece of cake.
It was the alpaca-lips.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
He misses you.
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles. Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish." The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly. The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option. Without hesitation a rowing boat appeared before their eyes. She got in, and rowed across. But when she was barely halfway across, the crocodiles broke enough of her boat to let it sink, and she too was eaten. The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.) After a while, she exclaimed: "You know, I always wanted to try a different hair colour." and as soon as she was finished talking, her hair colour changed to brown. "OH!" she then said "Look over there, a bridge."
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
A receding hare-line!
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
It was my new year's resolution.
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
and it's fucking discussing.
Now it’s aware wolf
The fifth was dead Sirius.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
He now makes me pay in advance
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I flipped two stones with one bird.