I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
What are smart people called in America?
Tourists.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
Someone broke into my garage earlier today and stole my limbo stick.
I mean, how low can you go?
I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail
He didn't even complete his sentence
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.