“Yeah I’m Multilingual”
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
The face says it all
Half of DS runs on single core.
When the author has a sense of humour
How to catch a Dorobō
My dad sent me this
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Sad and then Funny?
It’s user friendly…
True in all aspects of life.
Unfortunately this is how the people with power see the world
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
My grandfather used to tell me “the day a black man becomes president is the day pigs will fly!”
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
Happens to me quite often
Romance is dead
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Am I disabled?
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
No one show Chris Stewart a Thesaurus. He would lose his shit.
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. “It looks pretty good,” says the first one. “Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second. “What do you mean?” “Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.” The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. “Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide. “Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph – they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.” So they take out Mary and Joseph too. “Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one. “Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.” So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished. “Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.” “Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.” “Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?” “It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”
Marijuana can take you places
Something went wrong
Puppet Bad, Glove good.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
“8th day of quarentine”
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Remember those guys?
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
Don’t forget about how it’s ok to run over protesters…
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
Hello, old friend
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
Documentation what a brilliant idea
I’m not saying it though.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
The time has finally come 😌
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
QUARANTINE IS OVER!
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
iHate making my family happy
The root cause of many things (x-post from /r/justgamedevthings)
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
this card i saw in walgreens
Haha orbits go brrr
I’m not a bot
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Republicans in a NUTshell
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much." The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Prepare your conservatives people!
Thanks i hate the six different quarks
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
The least tone-deaf president you have ever seen!