Yeah, it’s as harmless as the flu. Don’t worry about it.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…
Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.” Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s chocolate we're out of,” Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.” Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?” Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W! Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?” Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!” Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Day 2 of wfh and things are getting pretty weird. The guy I’m supposed to pair with gets pretty annoyed if I don’t pay him attention, but most of what he says about my code is unintelligible. He also seems to never get past the login screen on his computer. I don’t think he’s getting any work done.
https://ift.tt/2wQK9Oq
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store