yeah no im just smart
A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.
His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties." Husband asks:"Which people?"
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream?
Ernie: Sure Bert!
Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.
Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green. Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping thrice and coming to rest on top of the water. Jesus walks out onto the water and chips onto the green. The third gentlemen hooks the everliving shit out of the ball. It goes into the road, gets hit by a car, ricochets across the fairway to the lake, is gobbled up by a frog, who is snatched by a stork. As the stork flies over the green, the frog spits out the ball, which rolls into the cup. Moses turns to Jesus and says: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
“Thank you for your service”
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
![Chaplin + Chopin (sound on) [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-170-400x247.png)
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need … a new suit.” He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
Me: “Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”
Judge: "Repeat infractions?" Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
