yeah that hurt me too
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
I have a scary joke about math
But I am 2² to say it.
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
I’ve met a noble Russian homosexual
His name was Sir Gay
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, “Shit man, I’m too old for this nonsense!”
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a good, solid reason for your insane speeding that I've never heard before, I promise you that I will let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied, "Officer, few years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back." The cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"