yeah that hurt me too
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
I want YOU to come join our new Discord server! wcgw
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Even Santa keeps children in check
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
Little adaptation of mine from one of Cyanide and Hapiness comics!
A Coroutine is not a State Machine, Change My Mind meme.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
At least only you know it
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
Happy Thanksgiving Boomers
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
Memories come back
When “Deplorables” is too subtle for your base:
Found a fresh one
If only lives mattered as much as good cut and blow out!
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
I’m guilty too!
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Get Over It
Stepdad sent this one in the group chat, classic “wife bad”
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today." "No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked. "I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then." Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday. "Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick." A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence. "Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied. And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week. Then, the next Monday arrived. "Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked. Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better. "Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?". "Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual. John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on. "John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all. John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex." "Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!" "Well I told you so!" Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke it in my native language.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
Take that, mom!
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Not mine, saw a while back and still think it’s funny
Remember those guys?
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
Book 2 of Kids in Business: Brenda and the Endless Job Application
Poor Donny – laughed at by the whole world
German boomer humour
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
Psychology is applied medecine tho
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] …“The men I please are none of your damn business!”
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
A senior being told to self-quarantine
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
No, is not possible
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
When news websites make the paywall client side
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
I feel like this one would be good if it wasn’t drawn like that
Found in my english book
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Haha get it because Facetime
I guess school textbooks aren’t a thing
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
For those who hate subtlety