yeah… that’s literally how jokes work…
Deborah, will you look into that?
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
im a hacker
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
Found in my english book
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
am I right?
Why does she only have one eye? Why is her nose a dick? What is this even?
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again…
I can't tell you how upset I am!
I hope you guys are having a better day than I am.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
Right vs Wrong
Sometimes it really is that simple.
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.
American: Have you seen the Titanic? Canadian: What's that about? American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
This is science right?
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
Bug life cycle
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
Ah yes of course
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
Somebody in my neighborhood posted this
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
My experience in every CS lab for the last 3 years
Not hot dog
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
Take that MEDICINE!
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
My French teacher sent us this on our French WhatsApp group and I do not know how to reply
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
Damn those race conditions!
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
TV presenter with an attitude gets arrested over drunk driving
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
We have a new national pastime…
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
Man, it’s so cold outside..
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
Types of headaches
does this count