Yeah that’s me
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”
It was a third degree burn.
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
If Mustard cured constipation …..
They'd have to spell it different.
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
9 months later!!!
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction. The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something…", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time". "Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next. The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face. That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"… The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting…
I wonder what she's up to now?
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"