Yearbook puns.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket. I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong. He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car?
So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot!” You’re welcome.
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.