Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
I mean how low can you go!?
You wont believe what happened next!
Dad: Stairs don't talk
I said no, it's a mandate
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
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For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
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Because he has low elf esteem.
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
It's sweeping the nation
Then I had an OH moment.
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
it takes a lot to offend me
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
Because they're always stuffed.
…that was not a question.
A young women purchases a condo downtown. She is very excited as she can now walk to work every day. On her first day of walking to work she sees that there is a pet store on her way. As she gets closer, she notices that there is a parrot in front of the store sitting on a perch. When she gets closer, the parrot looks at her and says “Hey, lady!” The young woman warmly responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you’re ugly!” The young woman is shocked and says “that’s not very nice, leave me alone” and goes on about her way. The next day the young woman is on her way to work and she encounters the parrot again. The parrot says “Hey lady!” and the woman responds cautiously with “What Mr. Parrot?” And the parrot says “you’re really ugly!” The woman tells the parrot to shut up and goes on to work. This happens day after day after day until one day, after the parrot tells her she’s ugly, she loses her cool and marches into the store to find the manager. She explains to the manager that she is tired of being harassed by this bird and he better do something or she’s going to kill it. The manager calmly explains to her that he’ll talk to the parrot and it’ll never happen again. The very next day the young woman is on her way to work and sure enough, she sees the parrot. As she approaches, the parrot looks at her and says, “Hey lady!” She responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you know!”
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
He's a small medium at large
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
Is it a hymn or a her?