What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
https://ift.tt/2SLiwid
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.” The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. “Barkeep! ‘Ow are ye dis foine evenin’? Oi’ll have a point, if ye will”, he says to the bartender with a smile. “None of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when you’re more sober.” “Bah! Foine, foine”, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. “Barkeep! Oi’ll have a drink, and make er a double!” Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells “Sir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, I’ll never serve you another drink!” The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. “Alright, Alright, Oi’ll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oi’ve one question for ya”, he says, leaning in, “How many fookin’ bars do ye work at anyway?”
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.