My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
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I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
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My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
That’s how mafia works
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, itโs tulips on an organ.
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
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I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
Been a dad 5 mo, so Iโm a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven.
Two dogs and a cat die and go to heaven. They are brought before God, who interviews them to determine their fate. He asks the first dog, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The first dog answers, "For 15 years I was a guide dog for a blind person. I was killed protecting them from being hit by a taxi." "Very good," says God. "You will sit at my left side." God turns his attention to the second dog and asks, "What did you do when you were alive on earth?" The second dog responds, "I was a police dog for 12 years. I was shot and killed trying to subdue an armed bank robber." God smiles and nods. "Very good. You will sit at my right side." God now looks at the cat and begins to ask, "What did you –" The cat interrupts, "You're in my chair."
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
Who has two thumbs and isn’t afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.
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What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….