How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
Itβs easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but itβs harder to deter gents
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Jesus walks into a bar
βJust twelve waters please!β Winks at disciples
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.
I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
I was gonna give archery a shot
But thereβs too many drawbacks
The other day I asked my mom how many ‘a couple’ was,
"Two or three" she said. I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus: I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank. Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank. Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass. After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle. When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely. To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again. When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank…
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where itβs feared staff may get a raw deal.
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
βHow are you mate?β βYeah Iβm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.β I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said βYour dadβs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond βGet away with ya… Prove it.β I shouted downstairs βHey, mate! Both of them?β He shouted back βOf course both of them! Whatβs the point in fucking one?β EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.