Because Mega Hertz
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
Because they’re shellfish
When it becomes apparent.
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
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He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
“I never knew my real ladder.”
With a pair of Ceasars.
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Its loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel dizzy and sick.
It just sits there and collects dust.
They are willing to pay for the wall now.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
That makes two of us.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
It was a game changer.
You get repossessed.
Just in case you get a hole in one.
I named him Carson.
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
A wide supremacist.
A laughing stock!
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!