yes
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
I had to get rid of my old ladder today
We had our ups and downs but I'll still miss it
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers.
Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot