I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people donβt like it when you go the extra mile for them.
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, βWow! Thatβs a different order of magnitude.β
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
Everybody knows Dave!
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
Iβm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
Sheβs single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…
I replied, βNo, I donβt hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.β
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
Wind
Natureβs biggest fan
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
Sheβs really milking it for all itβs worth.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Quarantino.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, β oh thatβs just a freebie.β
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
I called my wife and told her that Iβll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didnβt respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Dad : βI need to call the doctor today.β Mom : βWhich doctor?β
Dad : βNo, the regular kind.β
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
Why donβt ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies