yes i do shot my teacher too
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Who is a famous Explorer from the past that has been largely forgotten?
Internet Explorer.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
![We are all [synonym for socialists] on this blessed day](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/pyzao67ro1o41-400x267.jpg)
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
If I had a Delorean
I would probably only drive it from time to time
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her.
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though, firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you, I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
