yes I see that
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing “Danger Zone” nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Nature is starting to have more graphics in video games.
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.