Yes I too would like to kill my wife
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
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Because they have their own scales.
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
The No bell prize.
Where the fuck is my roof?
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
Because one egg is un oeuf.
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
A four-chin teller.
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
They're throwing a hissy fit.
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
But I partied like it was $19.99
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
At least, that's what I will hope.
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"