Yes, Please!
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says ā if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.ā
āAnythingā doesnāt include getting stuck in traffic.
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it" The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you're free to go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because itās Tuesday.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thatās just my two scents.
why was the electrician in the hood?
coz switches be trippin,
A homeless man meets a rich man on Christmas Eve.
The homeless man asks the rich man, "What'd ya get for your wife this year?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Tesla." The homelesa man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them." Ā The homeless man nods. The rich man proceeds to ask him, "Well, what did you get your wife this year?" The homeless man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The homeless man proudly reponds, "Well, if she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
How do trees š access internet?
They log in
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
After my sonās team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
Whatās the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
I donāt just play soccer cause I like the sport.
Iām just in it for kicks.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
Spent an hour at the wifeās grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks Iām digging a pond.
Mud
No text found
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
āSure,ā said the dad ā40.ā
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, āWait, I can change.ā
I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up burgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me…
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…
