A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here
Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!
It's easy, I just sleep during the nights. *(disclaimer — this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
They wouldn’t even be losing their lifestyle just a small portion of their wealth
https://ift.tt/35L1FAW
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
House Fire
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool