Yes, who the fuck does care
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
META
https://ift.tt/2oS0zTc
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question… dogs can't whistle.
What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh borg!
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
