Yes, you are.
“Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?”
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
How do you make somebody curious?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙