Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie." "Ummm… okay…" the guy says, skeptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!" So the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his ass. "The hell do you think you're doing!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?" His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his ass. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up his the man's ass too. The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie. "Again!?" "You want my help, or don't you?" So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie. "You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests. So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer." "Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing. But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits. Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?" BAM!

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."

They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling

I told him, 'My door is always open!'

Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins…

Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day

Yep. It can happen.

…and he’s sticking to it!

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck

I couldn't see the fours for the threes.

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

He nuts and bolts.

Poor Celine.

He stopped at nothing to avoid them.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"

A receding hare line.

That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.

It got so bad he went baroque!

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