Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
Jokes about the weather can be funny…
To a certain degree.
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!” We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…