Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
I asked a French man if he played videogames
He said "wii"
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You are the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
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I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
They should stock ATM’s better.
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds!
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.