Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10…?
steven: even numbers stephen: ephen numbers
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
What does a house wear?
Address
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight
“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope! In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers. "This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords!” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word, 'aunt’.” “Of course!” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
