Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
âWe ran out of protein powder!â
Dad: No whey
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
A genie asked, “Whatâs your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"Whatâs your second wish, Rich?"
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
What two words have the most letters?
Post office.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
Iâve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says itâs terminal
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance đ
There’s only a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will understand this.
One of my great grandfatherâs favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks whatâs in the bag. Guy says âSmart Pills,â his friend says âGimme one of them Smart Pills,â then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says âThese smart pills taste like shit,â guy says âYouâre getting smarter already.â
An Irish Daughter…
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.