Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
What did Batman tell Robin before getting in the car?
Robin get in the car
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but Iβm delighted.
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
Why canβt T-rexes clap?
Cause theyβre extinct
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. βMr. Smith, Iβve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.β Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. βRelax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….sheβs dead.β
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
A man in an interrogation room says βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present.β
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereβs my present?
I’m hosting a charity event for people who can’t orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover itβs butt-quack.
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
The Earth used to be flat…
Until they buried yo momma.