Yet another completely useless addition
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, “Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
F in the comment to pay respect for those who are now in heaven
F in the comment to pay respect for those who are now in heaven
I never understood school shooting jokes…
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience.
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she."
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that. Edit : I got a gold for a joke that I repost every month. Thanks person, hope you had a chuckle.
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent