yikes
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
Did you miss the IOKIYAR Amendment to the Constitution? It’s OK, If You’re A Republican.
https://ift.tt/37frKs1
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
If you have a threesome
You have the recommended six feet between you.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
For my house party my dad said I could only have under 20 people.
But all my friends are at least 30.
A crow was arrested an put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
I gave away all of my dead batteries
Free of charge.
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…